When my temper flares, I need to figure out what’s going on before I get into drama about the situation. True anger, according to author David Richo, “usually contains sadness, disappointment, and fear.” Of those three, fear is, in my opinion, the strongest and most basic layer under anger. A wise friend suggested I interrupt her occasional rants and ask, What are you afraid of? Next time you’re heating up emotionally, these are useful questions: Where’s the fire? (Am I sad? Disappointed? Anxious or even panicked?) What am I alarmed about? (Am I trying to ignore some worry or in the grip of chronic stress?) How can I turn off the alarm? (Sometimes there’s an obvious next step, but often I just need to take a walk in the bay winds and let the emotion blow past me.)